I Hate Grief

I hate grief. That may sound funny coming from someone who has dedicated her life to working with grieving people. I’m not being facetious. I hate grief, but I also recognize it is a remarkable teacher, offering us profound gifts about life.

I hate grief because it hurts so damn much. I hate grief because it launches unexpected assaults when we think we’re doing well. It punches us in the gut. We find ourselves crying with no regard from grief for where we are or who we’re with.

I hate grief because it lives inside us for the rest of our lives and, like a sniper, attacks with no warning. I’ve experienced it and seen it in others. Most of the time when my husband talks about Brandon, his first born son who died before he turned two, he speaks calmly. But once in a while, his throat catches and he wipes tears from his eyes. He’s always surprised when that happens.

I hate grief despite everything it’s taught me and what I’ve witnessed in the people I’ve worked with. Those who pay attention when they’re in the first years and holding on to surviving, have learned never to take anything for granted. They live with a deep appreciation for the smallest gifts in life: a sunny day, a smile, their family, their friends, and the joy of their pets. Nothing is too small to go without notice.

This is what grief may look like from the outside. The person grieving appears calm while inside they’re paddling like crazy to keep going.

I’ve met the most joyous people, only to learn later what they carry. A parent killed in a horrific accident. A baby found dead in the crib. A spouse who died from Alzheimer’s disease.

And yet, they smile.

I have one friend who decided after her husband died to say “Yes,” to everything. I know it’s not true, but she makes widowhood look easy and fun. Another friend, still in the throes of grief, lives each day in gratitude after losing her husband and sister sixteen months ago, followed by many more losses that seem to arrive every month.

My friends inspire me and remind me how important it is to pay attention to our lives.

I live in a home where no one is fully okay, not me, not my husband, and not our old dog. Each morning when I know we’re all alive, I smile and say “thank you.” I know it’s a gift that will be taken away, probably in the not too distant future. I don’t live with dread. I live with gratitude, paying attention to each moment and never missing the opportunity to say I love you.

I’ve grieved many times in my life, and despite my expertise in the field of death, dying, and bereavement, grief scares me because I remember how much it hurts and how long it took me to find myself again.

So yes, I hate grief despite all the beautiful things it’s taught me about living well.

❤️ I hope this touched something in you and you’ll consider subscribing to The Other Side of Young. I write about grief, aging, and what a long life teaches us about how to live it.