My Brother Died Today

June 17, 2025

Something big, something important, happened today.

I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel.

Losing someone you once loved so dearly and who hurt you so much—mentally, physically, sexually—is different than losing anyone else I’ve lost in my life.

This is so strange, I hear myself saying over and over again.

I don’t know. I’m surprised a tinge of sadness crept in and has remained. It’s not a flicker because it didn’t pass through. It’s not a one-time pain. It’s a small amount of sadness that arrived unexpectedly and has stayed. Sadness along for the muddled ride. I wouldn’t have expected that. Not after feeling nothing but indifference for so long.

But he was my big brother. And once upon a time I looked up to him, adored him, wanted to please him, thought he was so beautiful. That was long ago.

There was a time our connection was strong. Our bedrooms were on opposite ends of our den. One night, we both walked to the doorway of the den, stood for a moment, then turned and went back into our rooms. We were asleep. We didn’t remember, but our older sister was in the den and witnessed us.

When I was five and he broke his leg, even before anyone told me, my leg began to hurt. We were that connected.

Oh, my, a lump. An actual lump in my throat.

I’ve written so much about the awful brother, the one who terrorized and hurt me. I don’t need to do that anymore. Everything about that has been said. Examined under a microscope of therapy and the written word. Now I don’t have to worry about his reaction should I publish Breaking My Heart Until It Opened, the book I just finished writing.

But today reminds me that relationships are complex. It’s never simple or just 100% one thing. Kindness and cruelty can live together in the same person.

It’s more than that. What it is, I don’t yet know. Whatever this is, it is so complex, I don’t know what to do with it.

It’s only 1½ hours since I found out my brother died today.