“OPEN YOUR EYES NOW.”
My eyes startled open.
I was driving north on Interstate 5 headed home from Palm Desert. The emphatic male voice belonged to Doug, my stepson. Doug had died the year before, with no warning. He was only 28.
Until I heard him yell, I didn’t know I had fallen asleep. I was alone in the car with my dogs. I guarantee you, my German Shepherd, Samantha, and Golden Retriever, Maggie didn’t speak English and weren’t male.
When a friend said I should write something about being awake for our lives, my thoughts went to what Doug yelled at me that morning. His voice saved our lives, mine and my dogs, because I didn’t realize I had fallen asleep.
Today, so many years later, I hope, inspired by Doug, I can offer words that will save your life, if not physically, then emotionally and spiritually.
First, let me ask you a question: Are you willing to wake up for your own life?
“Why don’t we have a little game?
Let’s pretend that we’re human beings,
and that we’re actually alive.”
~John Osborne, Look Back in Anger
We make a mistake when we only look at someone’s outside age because that is a small part of the story and aliveness of the person. Some people are perennially young because they savor each moment of life and remain open, curious, and creative.
There are also people who seem to have been born old living lives of sameness and sadness until they die. I’ve known people whose sadness about losses took away their joy of living. People who gave up because sometimes life said no when they wanted yes. Who played it safe rather than lived with curiosity and vitality. Some people give up on life early and sleep walk through the rest of their days. It can happen at any age and to anyone.
So, how do we help friends whose sadness has turned on them? Do you think pointing out all they have to live for and how fortunate they are will help them find their way back to happy? And what about the ubiquitous Think positive?
We can’t make someone happy. That’s an inside job. What we can do is make them feel less isolated and alone by listening to their suffering. Only offer advice when someone asks you, and even then, hesitate before speaking.
But let’s talk about our internal selves. What can we do to help ourselves live our best lives because of and despite of?
I recommend collecting your philosophies before you need them. That’s one reason I’ve created quote files where I place inspiring sayings. I know from personal experience how sayings can become personal mantras that act like a powerful hand helping us up when we’re down.
One that helped me the last time I skirted too close to depression comes from a book called Mount Analogue by Rene Daumal. I had it on my bulletin board when I was working on my doctoral dissertation and had read it so often, it was there for me years later when I most needed the inspiration and wisdom.
You cannot stay on the summit forever; you have to come down again. . .
So why bother in the first place?
Just this: What is above knows what is below,
but what is below does not know what is above.
In climbing, take careful note of the difficulties along your way;
for as you go up, you can observe them.
Coming down, you will no longer see them,
but you will know they are there if you have observed them well.
There is an art of finding one’s direction in the lower regions by the memory of what one saw higher up.
When one can no longer see, one can at least still know.
Here’s a personal example of how collecting quotes and making someone else’s words my personal philosophy helped me:
I was going through a divorce, had just been in a serious roll over on the freeway that left me with bruises everywhere and three broken ribs in my back. Then I caught bronchitis and couldn’t stop coughing. I was on my own in a new town and forced to take care of myself when every move caused excruciating pain. I began to sink into depression.
During the seductive downward pull of depression, Daumal’s words reminded me I’d been depressed before, and even though I couldn’t see any clearing right now, I had paid attention when I crawled out of the depths of despair. I remembered I had learned skills. Now, although I was down again, remembering the earlier climb ended my downward descent of depression. I could begin the hard work of finding myself, my purpose, and my happy again.
As soon as I felt physically well enough, I challenged myself to go to a movie alone. This was a big step, and I was proud of myself. But once I sat down in the empty theater with its muted light, depression knocked. Instead of letting her in, I thought about things for which I was grateful. The idea didn’t come from a book. It was born in me through desperation. I started slowly. This was the dialogue:
“I’m grateful I can see.”
“But you’re blind as a bat.”
“Then I’m grateful for glasses.”
And so began a lifelong practice.
I opened my eyes and saw the world anew and began my new life. This led to experiences beyond my imagination. I created a nonprofit that helped grieving children and their families, I discovered love and met a wonderful man I’ve been with 20 years, I published my first memoir, and have now completed writing my second.
Gratitude has helped me during some of my darkest moments, especially when we didn’t know if my husband would live. Instead of allowing fear to dominate my thoughts, I’d focus on what I had and I’d say thank you. Over and over again until that still, quiet voice inside regained her balance and allowed me to stay present during the storm.
Because of my work, I’ve read countless books written about or by dying people. One thing they all say is that knowing they are dying has made them really look at the world and the people they love. No longer taking anything for granted, they live with an open-eye awareness we can all learn from. Dying people are the best teachers about life. One book I recommend lay people read is Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom.
I do my best to remain open whether I’m enduring one of life’s awful “challenges” or enjoying the privilege of noticing things I once took for granted—sunny days, cloudy skies, the beauty and scent of flowers, and the changing colors of leaves on trees.
Hibiscus in my yard yesterday
We’re only here once, so I encourage you to listen to Doug and open your eyes now. And, as Ram Dass advised, Be Here Now!
What are your personal philosophies that get you through the tough times?
*Let me know if you’d like me to share some of my favorite quotes, songs, and books, and how I used them to create my best life. I want to know yours, too.
We learn from each other.
I’m sorry you’ve dealt with some tough times...but learning and growing from them has made you so much wiser and happier! Your words here show it! I agree with the outside aging thing...go, do, be is one of my mantras. I take screenshots of sayings or quotes/memes and make photos... placing them around my home! “You can do it like it’s a great weight, or do it like it’s part of the dance” Is on my fridge.
Thank you for so beautifully writing about living actively and happily in the moment!
as always, inspiring! thank you