It happened again tonight. Someone wrote I was lucky to have Bob. I’d be rich if someone gave me a dollar for all the times I’ve heard that. Does anyone ever tell Bob he’s lucky to have me?
Okay, okay. I realize it’s not a competition.
Yes, I am fortunate I met and married and still have my husband. I don’t take that for granted. Luck had nothing to do with it.
I couldn’t meet the right man until I was ready to live alone rather than settle. Not long before I met Bob, my motto had become, “Stupid lasts too long.” I was no longer willing to be stupid about love. I also was unwilling to fall in love. “When you fall, it hurts when you crash,” I would say to anyone listening. Most of the time, the only one listening was me, and I paid attention.
Luck had nothing to do with it. Choice, with eyes wide open—that’s what allowed our relationship. Choice meaning, I chose someone who made sense for me, and for the past 21 years, I’ve chosen to keep our lines of communication open. I don’t allow dust mites of resentment and grievances to amass in the corner like pests ready to bite.
We’ve never yelled at each other. We don’t have to because we don’t let anything fester.
Do I also bring up everything that bothers me? Hell, no. And it’s because I read two books recommended by a friend when Bob and I met. Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch PhD, and What Could He Be Thinking: How A Man’s Mind Really Works by Michael Durian. Both books introduced me to the concept of self-soothing. I’d never learned self-soothing in all my years of therapy or graduate school. I understood it to mean that I was responsible for my feelings. So, when potential issues arose early in our relationship, rather than saying the dreaded four words no man wants to hear—we need to talk—I’d wait. I’d go inside myself to determine if this was an issue that required a conversation or if the emotions resulted from something triggered inside me.
Most often, it was the latter. And Bob never knew I’d been grappling with an issue I had thought was about something he said or did.
Never, for one minute of the twenty-one years we’ve been together have I taken our relationship for granted. I don’t think Bob has either. Because we both understand how quickly life can change and steal those we love, we are polite with each other. We say, please, thank you, I’m sorry (when needed), and I love you.
A much more peaceful existence than we need to talk.
Luck? Me thinks not. We could have met too soon, before either of us understood the essentials of building a strong bond. Then, no amount of luck could have kept us together. Good timing, I’ll go for that one before luck. We met when we both were ready to love again. When we had enough experience to understand what ingredients go into healthy relationships. A time when we both were ready to live our love rather than simply say words of love tethered to expectations.
Our love allows us to be ourselves without judgment or the need to change. We know we’re not perfect and that’s perfectly fine with us.
We created our luck. And it’s worked for 21 years. Time is the only obstacle standing in our way. Perhaps that, too, is a gift because there’s not enough time for petty spats or failing to say I love you.
And now that I’ve pondered the relationship between luck and our love, would someone please tell Bob that he’s lucky?
I received this message via email from Dr. Samantha St. Julian. Because she was unable to post it here on Substack, I’m sharing it. : BOB! BOB! BOB! You are SO FREAKING LUCKY to have Ginni! I think about our time together at ITP and what an amazing friend she quickly became to me! And we're STILL FRIENDS! She has that propensity for long-term love even at a distance! She is AMAZING!! BOB!! Did I mention you are SO LUCKY to have Ginni? Take stellar care of her heart and her mind!
Just beautiful
Thanks for sharing your wisdom
Blessings
Leslie